Lisa Stapleton Weldon in New York

I’d always dreamed of moving to NY for the summer and taking a month-long course at Parson’s. So while in NY on business this past November, I thought I’d swing by this famed university and check to see if they had printed their new summer catalog.

So, I walked in the front door and to my left was a nice young woman, sitting at the desk. I assumed she was a student, working to put herself through college.

Now, you’ve got to realize that I went to Auburn, as an art student, in the 70s. Yes, I wore hippie clothes, Dr. Scholl’s shoes, hip hugger pants with patches all over them, my hair was stringy. I embrace artistic dress. It’s an expression of your creativity. In some circles, the more way-out you dress, the more creative you must be, right?

But Auburn in the 70s comes nowhere close to Parson’s in the { what do they call it now? } the 10s.

So back to the lobby at Parsons. This young lady was dressed in ten shades of black. Her hair, her nails, her eye make-up, her bubblegum, and even the bow in her hair. A bow in her hair, how Southern.

Covering 75% of her arms was the most incredible artwork you’ve ever seen. She must have laid dead still for weeks while the tattoo artist did his work.

The other 25% of her body was pierced with studs of every color. Bling on steroids. Her nose, her tongue, her earlobes, her temples, and lord knows what other body parts were bejeweled.

So, in walks Miss Lisa, dressed to the nines (pg 9 of Lands End), sportin’ my Mobile, Alabama southern drawl and I ask the sweet young thing if they had mailed their new summer catalog yet.

She takes one look at my to-the-waist khaki pants and my pin-striped turtleneck, cocks her head to one side, and answers, “if it’s not online, it’s not out yet.”

In other words, “Who let you in here, old lady? MAIL? How yesterday!”

So, bottom line: In order to fit in with my new classmates, all of whom will surely be 25+ years hipper than me, I need to do something drastic. Do I tattoo something? Or get something pierced?

Please leave your comments below. I don’t need the peanut gallery telling me WHAT to pierce or tattoo. And don’t be a smart a– and tell me tattoos on old wrinkled skin take on a life of their own. I already know that.

I look forward to your pearls of wisdom.

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