How To Remove a Leech in Paris
Baby, I – AM – READY!
Last night I had dinner with three of my best girlfriends, Athalie, Janis and Jane. We started out as babies in the advertising business in the late 70s, and yes, we lived life exactly as described in the TV show, Mad Men. How we survived, I’m not sure.
All three gals are quite well traveled. Janis, in particular, seems to have the same traveling spirit I have. She goes off on her own, poking around cities, wandering into places most people wouldn’t dare go. She has a particularly funny story about finding a Turkish bath and the lack of clothes. Let your mind wander, times two.
In preparation for one of their trips abroad, Athalie gave Janis a handy book in case she got into trouble – “The Worst-Case Scenario Survival Handbook: TRAVEL” – which Janis passed on to me last night. Guess after all my talk about going underneath Paris, she thought I might need to brush up on my survival skills.
The author looks me squarely in the eyes when he writes, “for some people, putting themselves in extreme situations and then facing the dire consequences is part of the thrill of travel.”
This book’s full of great tips. For instance, in case you want to catch a little action, it tells you “How to Make Animal Traps.” The author warns you not to check the trap too often as it will scare away the animals. “When an animal heading for home becomes caught in the snare, it will struggle to get away.” My old friend, Judi Lee, used to have that same problem. She’d complain, “I got so tired of men beating down my door. I finally had to get up and let ‘em out.”
There’s another chapter, one on “How to Remove a Leech.” It instructs you to “firmly slide your fingernail toward where the leech is feeding and push the sucker away sideways.” If one happens to get invade a body orifice, “gargle with diluted 80-proof alcohol.” Vodka, gin, bourbon, scotch, any of those’ll do.
I feel so much better having this information.
Then we have “How to Jump from a Moving Train.” It advises to move to the last car, stuff your clothes with blankets and seat cushions, and jump off perpendicular to the train. I guess trains must be leech infested. Why else would you jump off one while it was moving?
But the handiest chapter seems to be “How to Foil a UFO Abduction.” I guess after gargling all that vodka, gin, bourbon and scotch with those body orifices, you gotta expect some pretty bad ass UFOs. Instruction #3 says “Resist verbally! Firmly tell the EBE (extraterrestrial biological entity) to leave you alone.”
Nobody looks after ‘ya like your girlfriends. God bless them.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ If you’d like to follow my 30-walk across Paris, be sure to sign up for email alerts or join my Facebook page. I plan to find some real surprises while there – stuff you never read about – and I’d love to share them with you.